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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Conversations With God

"Take it away," I begged Him. "Take away my passion for life, my opinions,
my desires, my hope,that I might be the sort of machine that files and
finishes without initiative or dreams or other things that get in the way when
I want, I need, and I feel."

"Take it away," I pleaded."Take away the conscious part of me that questions
and pleads and wonders and complains and opines,
because it has no place in my life when the paperwork piles up,
and there is more, more, more that I must do, and there is no, no, no way out but through..."

In my moment of weakness I implored this of God,
knowing simplicity to be bliss and too much thought withers the heart.
I wanted to be freed from cares because I seemed to care too much.

But my Lord is good, and as soon as I asked, I knew He would answer "No."
"No, I will not put to sleep all I have made you to be. I have made you for more than today, more than this burden, and I will not lose you to it though you ask to be lost."

"I am your servant, Lord," I replied. "If you prefer my sorrow to my silence, it will be as you wish. I have no will to refuse you or go against you, because only You hold the keys to life."

But still my heart was disturbed, because I thought, "I have no promise, no covenant with you like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, that there will be any good in my mortal life but only solace in heaven, which makes the rest of my earthly life seem like a desperate pitstop indeed." I despaired of living because I could see only hardness in the road and many sorrows.

But still my Lord sought me out, and heard me in my silent urgency.

"My Lord, did you make me only for sorrow? Because I have no promise from you, no guarantee that things will improve. Nor do I condemn or betray you if the life you have for me is one of tragedy, because its Yours to use, and Heaven is more than enough.

"But oh Lord, I am a very little person, and the idea of living for the rest of my life the way I hurt now, well, I don't know if I can bear it. To you, a thousand years is like a day, but to me, Heaven feels very far away."

And what did my Lord say? Did He condemn my lack of faith? No. In His great kindness, My Lord reminded me, "Daughter, I have so many promises for you. I promise that I hear you and I answer your prayers. I promise there is a hope and a future for you. I promise that I made you for joy, hope, and love.When have I left you, My daughter, and when have I allowed you to fall? Have I not cushioned every blow life has wraught you, and provided for you much more than you need? Sorrow lasts for the night, but joy comes in the morning. I know your name, child, and it was on My lips when I died at Calvary. These promises are greater than the first I gave to Abraham and his sons. You need not fear because there is much good coming to you."

What a mighty, loving, and kind God I serve. In my sorrow, I will wait on Him for the joy of my salvation, knowing He will bring healing, not just one day on Heaven's shores but where I'm at today.

Mental Health Professional of the Year

     Its been over a month since I last blogged. Part of this is that all my creative juices are getting used for my radio show, which has been a really enjoyable endeavor, and another part is that I have had a bad cough for over 3 weeks now and for a lot of that time I've felt extremely fatigued. Its been all I can do to fulfill my daily responsibilities, and those not super well, so blogging hasn't been happening.

          But I've had a lot of good things happen since I wrote to you last. For one thing, I am only 2 months away from completing the MHLAP (Mental Health Loan Repayment Program) that I have been a part of for the last year. As of June 30th, I will receive 10,000$ toward my student loans for working at a non-profit agency in a low income area from June 2011 to June 2012. This is a huge deal and I've been very blessed to be accepted into this program. If you live in California and you are working in Mental Health, I highly suggest you Google it and take a look. It's great to receive extra money for something you were planning on doing anyway! It also helps offset the lower wages that come with non-profit work.

          I have been provided with several additional speaking opportunities since I started my Radio Show that I have really been happy to be a part of. Since public speaking is a passion of mine, I'm happy to be able to hone my skills and get additional experiences. I actually had the opportunity to TURN DOWN some speaking engagements for different reasons, which was pretty trippy! I  never thought I'd get to a point where I would have to be choosy.

        But the biggest honor I have had bestowed on me professionally this year is being nominated by a friend of mine for "MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OF THE YEAR." Doesn't that sound smancy??? Every year our county has an academy awards event for consumers, staff, and mental health centers who have demonstrated excellence. I have participated in this for the last two years as a coordinator, planner, selection committee member, and as a nominator (I nominated our center last year and we totally won!), but I didn't expect to be nominated for anything this decade. That seemed like a designation that should go to really OLD people who have been working in their agencies for over twenty years and have started programs and run things(No offense, old people! I like you and think you should get more awards for perseverance and integrity. ), and really made a difference, not flash-in-the-pan young kids like me who think 3 years anywhere feels like an eternity and are still waiting for Easter, Summer, and Christmas Breaks to show back up again.

     But my sweet friend nominated me nonetheless, apparently believing that getting licensed, starting a radio show, contributing to the county committee on dual diagnosis treatment, and teaching Psychology in the evenings, all while juggling a caseload of 90 clients and volunteering at my church three times a week are pretty amazing achievements for someone who has only been working in the field for 3 years. When she puts it that way, I guess I do sound pretty accomplished. What I actually feel, however, is really, really tired.

    So I am honored to be nominated. I will have mixed feelings about winning, though- if I don't win, of course I'll be disappointed, but if I do win, I think I will be concerned because if MY best is THE best we have to offer, than I feel bad for our clients. Because for every one thing I've accomplished, I can think of 2 to 3 things I've really messed up along the way as well. But that won't stop me from setting the trophy in my office and adding it to my resume' if I win:). I'm honored to have my hard work recognized, and touched that anyone thinks I'm an anything "OF THE YEAR" at all.