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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Regrets, and God's Mercy

Warning: This post contains disturbing material. You probably don't need to read this if you are already having a bad day.

I found out today that one of my clients was being brutally abused the entire time I saw her in treatment. Suddenly, her mother cancelling appointments made sense, because she didn't want her bruises and cuts to be seen. A toddler was being brutally abused in my care and I never knew. I knew something was wrong with this family, I could sense it, but how could I not notice?!?

In the midst of the deep sorrow I feel about not protecting this child, I am infinitely grateful to God that He intervened and this little girl is now safe in a better home...praise the LORD for answered prayers, because I prayed often for this little girl, and all my clients.

I just wish I had had eyes to see sooner, so this girl could have been spared a little earlier. Perhaps I would have noticed more if I had not wanted to believe her mother's statements of good intentions so badly.

Please God, give me eyes to see what I do not want to see, for the sake of your children.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Everything is Possible! But Not Everything is Worth it.

As a young person,I was told I could do anything I set my mind to, if I worked hard and kept perservering. But now, as I an adult, I have learned the other side of the lesson- I can do ANYTHING, but I can't do EVERYTHING. I have limited time, money, and resources, and I have to pick and choose what is truly important.

The question is no longer, "Can I do it?" The question is now, "Is it worth it?" Does it line up with my beliefs and my values, and what will I have to give up in order to gain it?

For example, I COULD spend all my free time trying to get fit at the gym. I COULD painstakingly clean my entire house and make sure it is spotless everyday. I COULD devote all my time to doing perfect work in my career or devote myself entirely to a ministry at church.

But...where would that leave my relationship with God, my husband, my family, my dogs...? What do I stand to gain from these choices, and is it worth what I could lose? The answer is usually "no."

So, I suffer in the weight of my own incompletions and imperfections and feel as though I flounder a little. Because this is a smaller price to pay than forgetting what is most important, which is God and people.

The choice becomes- Who do I care about more? Myself, and my "Identity"- or about God and the people around me. So I take the time to devote to relationships, because the alternative may make me more successful in the short term, but it has no bearing on the eternal, and my time on this earthly plane is limited.

Things that used to seem important (like "keeping it all together") are not as important as I thought.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Canine Symmetry

Ebony and Ivory,
I know that its silly, but
I watch them play around the yard
and I smile as they jump,
jump, jump,
and dance to the music that no one can hear,
the rhythm of their doggy hearts.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Heaven and Hell

I am a Christian. I believe there is a heaven and a hell, and they are very real. I believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven, and we cannot get there on our own.

I live in a world, however, that moves along as though neither heaven nor hell exists. Sometimes I have trouble remembering them, too, because I am so focused on now. Plus, I don't always know what to do about them, other than to pray, pray, pray for the lost and for opportunities to witness to my friends, coworkers, and clients in any way I can.

I have a confession- I have never been able to lead any of my friends to Christ through a conversation. The times I have tried have gone badly. I have been able to encourage my youth to accept Christ, to pray with folks at altar calls who have walked forward after having prayed to accept Christ, and to proclaim him through song, written word, and lifestyle. But the witnessing opportunities with my coworkers are few and far between- in the therapy business we are respecting each other to hell! And it is not that I haven't tried. I have. But for some reason, I don't get to see people's conversions at work, and that troubles me. I pray for opportunities to share, I share when I can even when I'm scared, but I think I'm still holding back because my opinions are unpopular, and I don't know quite how to segue past the general conversations we have to personal ones about faith and what they actually believe.

I envy folks who seem to lead people around them to Christ so easily. What are they doing that I am not? I don't want my coworkers to go to hell, but since I don't get to see them change and come to Christ, I wonder if I am really doing all I can do. What am I neglecting, that I'm not seeing miraculous change around me?