Like so many young people, I dreamt of a music career. Now that I get to sing so much more, that old dream is fluttering up into my face and getting in the way of other things I'm doing. I keep telling myself, it is okay to just sing, I don't have to rise to fame or anything, or get noticed or make a record, I can just sing as a part of my daily life- singing not to the top, but to the side of everything else already in my life. The teenage diva inside me rejects this line of thinking, and keeps arguing that this is not enough.
Then last night, I had a crazy stress dream about singing!
I dream that I won a contest to sing a solo at the State Youth Conference in December. I was going to sing My Redeemer Lives, the Nicole C Mullins song I sang at church on Sunday. It was going to be my Big Break. Well, I got onto stage, and I could barely hear my music! I kept motioning to the sound guys to turn it up but everytime they did it wasn't enough. So I tried to start my song but came in at the wrong time because I couldn't really hear and got way off track. Then I found out they were playing the demonstration track instead of the performance track and Nicole C Mullin's voice was coming through! Daryll Watts ( who is the guy in charge of S. Baptist youth events in California) made them kick me off the stage and wouldn't let me restart the song. I was so devastated and humiliated!!!! I knew then that I would never get my Big Break, and I had to go back out and face defeat in front of all those thousands of people.
I was so relieved to wake up this morning and find out it was a dream. It was revealing to me, however, of the struggle that's been re-awoken in my heart. I'll have to figure out a way to resolve this if I want to have peaceful sleep.