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Monday, January 31, 2011


I found out today that my coveted position as an assessment therapist is being eliminated, and I am back to a normal caseload. I'm pretty bummed about this, because, although it lacked the dynamism of my previous workload, it was doable, measurable, and I felt competent at it, things I never felt with a normal caseload at our bustling clinic. I never wanted to go back to the way things were...they were so chaotic and continually infringed upon my sense of control and boundaries. I felt pushed and pulled every which way and as though I had no right to say no to any of the unreasonable demands placed on me by crazy, irrational people everyday. Even now,  I feel like going back is a route back into being put in the hands of manipulative, disrespectful, and conniving people. I used to feel so used by some of the parents of the children I worked with, that I didn't even really miss having a caseload because they really just made me feel hurt and angry. I have no ability to refuse treatment if relationships appear to be ugly and codependent, or if I feel its not in the best interest of the client or myself- its being trapped in a room with crazy people and being told that you have to see them 2x a month no matter what and if you don't fix them in a short period of time there is something wrong with you.

These are the feelings I used to have all the time...I'm afraid of going back into them. I know I need to establish boundaries, have short treatments, and practice self-care, but I question my own ability to break from the patterns of dependency that seemed to develop with so many of the families before. I am trying to believe that people can only make me feel what I let them make me feel, and that I have the personal strength to escape their mind games and their infringement on my boundaries.

This time around, I want to do things differently. I want to have faith in my abilities and believe that my client's Chronic problems are their problems and not a result of my ineffectiveness as a clinician and as a carer. I want to establish boundaries and end treatment quickly and effectively with each of the families instead of getting lost in their content. I want to leave them at work at the end of the day and not think about them at home.

If I don't learn to do these things, its going to be a long year before I am licensed. I covet your prayers now more than ever, because in my darkest thoughts I do not believe I am up for this challenge. I need confidence and self-assuredness in order to proceed from here and survive.


  1. Yes, I do hope that all will be well for you. Ask yourself what it is in you that produces this reaction every time. What is your need in these situations... what part of your ego is reacting and causing problems.. Hope this may be helpful. Carole.

  2. Oh Carolyn- this is hard. but you are stronger and wiser than you were before. I know that you will succeed.

  3. Thank you Carole and Sandy. I am beginning to feel more capable and confident again.