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Thursday, July 22, 2010
Unexpected Terror
I am watching people I love get older, sicker, and even die. I never accounted for the sheer terror of loss in my younger years. I always reckoned on my own mortality, at least in a far off way, but I don't think I ever believed these pillars in my life could really crumble. I can handle my own aging process, even if I don't like it, but this is really scary, even as a Christian. I've been so blessed to lose so few people, but the upshot is, that means I've bonded with them and now when they do go, it will really, really hurt. It hurts to even think about now. I've decided to protest the whole thing.
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I am going through EXACTLY the same thing right now, Carolyn. It is so upsetting to me that I can't write. Every poem I try turns out dark and morbid and sad.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about terror, too. I feel as if I have never really been afraid of anything in my life before this. I used to think, "What's the worst that could happen? I die and go to heaven. There's nothing to be afraid of."
But suddenly there is. I'm not afraid of dying, but I can't handle THEM dying.
Thankfully, we don't have to handle it today. I have decided that there will be enough sadness when it happens. I might as well be happy today.
I love you Carolyn. I hope your grief wave has passed for this time. The only way I know to respond at this point is to love and value people while I have them.
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